AHH Love

This could end up being one of those posts where it makes total sense to me in my head but to everyone else it will sound like nothing but jibberish, just a warning.

I have found myself loving people recently, and I am not talking romantic, kissy kissy, baby talk, disgusting kinds of love, rather trying to love people unconditionally, like I think Christ would. Don't get me wrong there isn't anyone who could be further behind in the process of sanctification than I am, but I have been trying to love some people no matter what is said, done, or felt. I have been so frustrated with this whole loving thing recently, I feel like I am not getting the results or the feedback that I desire to get from others.

This is why I am writing this today, I have been convicted about how I feel about loving people. I forget so quickly that a Christ like love is so far fetched from my simple under-developed brain. First off I often feel like if I love someone, they should love me back. This so wrong, if I set out to love people only so I can feel loved then I have completely missed what love is. Love is "not self seeking".

I have been so frustrated with people, I try to love them and show them that I love them in open, giving, and affectionate ways, only to face a weird sort of rejection. But my selfish, carnal self always seems to get in the way, "Love is patient". I forget that. If I am going to love someone I feel like I want immediate results, the instant gratification generation I come from has only fed this need in me. None the less, I need to learn that love is patient, and if I want to be part of what love can do for people I need to be patient as well.

I could go on but I think I have already started to confuse myself with what I am trying to say, so I will end this now. I just want those whom I love to know that I know I am so far from perfection, and that even though I love you it may not always seem like it. I am trying to work all this out and it is a much more difficult thing than I would have even anticipated.

Keeping the Streak Alive

Tonight I continued my streak of Friday nights of going to the movies by myself. Before that sounds like complaining, really if there is on thing I don't mind doing by myself it is going to the movies. I went to see Hidalgo, I really wanted to see this movie for quite some time and finally it is at the Danbarry Dollar Saver. The movie was not bad but it fell way short of what I expected from the movie. I guess I expected more of an epic race, with better defined characters. In reality it was a cool horse movie that seemed to to be geared towards teenagers. Oh well, I feel like I got my $2.50 out of it. I really want to see Hellboy, I don't know why. I think the movie looks real dumb and might in fact make me dumber for watching it, but I am still fascinated by it. Has anyone ever really wanted a movie even though they were nearly certain it would be terrible? Well maybe next week.

I dropped our puppy off at Savannah's house today. I miss her already, I mean she is tons of responsibility, and can even be a headache sometimes, but dang it I love that puppy. I am happy to have Savannah puppy sit though cause I know Parsnip brings her as much joy as she brings me. Plus I know I can fully trust her with my pride and joy.

I got some sun today while Crosswalk students passed out water this morning, nothing like the first sunburn of the year. So much happened out there today, messages of condemnation bring preached over our shoulders, while we are trying to demonstrate God's love by giving water to passing by students. Don't get me wrong I know the future of every person who does not accept Christ, but Jesus did not preach a message of hatred, rather a one of love. I don't know that I can say that the message this man was preaching was heresy, but I can say that it was a message preached in a way that Jesus would not have done it. So, in that sense, the message is out of context. I didn't hear enough of what he said to say any more than that.

Tomorrow I will attempt to sleep in, not sure that will work with the nap I took today and the fact I am feeling very rested right now. I did have a trip to the zoo planned and was looking forward to it very much, but sometimes plans fall through, oh well. So all I have planned for this entire holiday weekend is a dinner tomorrow night, looks to be a long boring three day weekend. Call me if you want to hang out.

Hope that is a long enough update to get some comments.

No Time

I so don't have time to blog anymore. Working these two jobs is wearing me out

Moving Again

Well by the grace of God I have found yet another place to live. I will be moving tomorrow and I will have to negotiate some stairs. If there are any strong boys out there that want to help me move my things give me a call. There is an added bonus to this move too, Parsnip is coming too. You heard me right this home is welcoming our cute little puppy with open arms, this also makes me very happy. Thank You, Lord, for providing for me in my time of need.

Not Much To Say

Life is going pretty well, dare I even say hunkadory.

Our puppy is doing very well, we took her to the vet and she got a clean bill of health, no fleas, worms, or notable health concern, yippeee. Everyone seems to love Parsnip, she is simply the best dog ever.

The new job is going well, I worked lots yesterday (18 hours total, teehee) to make up for not going in on Tuesday.

Crosswalk is going well and we are wrapping up the school year here. It is a rather bitter sweet feeling. I think the cookout went well tonight and the high school students that did some seemed to have a good time.

I got to spend some time with my friend Jon before he moves down to Louisiana. I miss him so much. (but I am still not gay)

I am currently looking for somewhere else to live, so keep that in your prayers. There are a couple places up in the air so pray that I get a place to rest my head.

I have also made a good friend of mine upset in the past few days, pray that she can find it in her heart to forgive me, and that I can stop being a big idiot jerk all the time.

My family is doing well, at least as far as I can tell. My cousin graduates this weekend, so I will be at her party Sunday.

Lastly pray for Lillian as she is traveling this weekend to Boston. I am jealous that I cannot go, Boston is a cool city. Also got to meet Lillian's cool friend Lana, I like meeting new friends.

That was quite a bit for not having much to say

What Have I Gone And Done!?!?!?

When you go to a pet store NEVER pick up any of the puppies. This is a lesson I have learned today. I was dragged to the pet store in the mall by Lillian to see a dog I was just going to love. The puppy was sleeping when I got there, and while I could see the cuteness through the glass Lillian felt it necessary for me to hold this puppy. MISTAKE, I should have screamed "Abort, Abort" and ran out of the store, the moment the clerk took the puppy out of the cage I knew there was going to be trouble. I don't know that I have ever seen a dog this cute in my whole life, and I have already to begin to utter how much I hate Lillian for bringing me to this place. Upon holding this super cute puppy, and the persistent insisting of Lillian that she loves this puppy, I gave in and forked over half of the money to pay for this little "bundle of joy" (that was slathered with sarcasm). NO more waiting here is what you have all been wanting to see a picture of our baby girl Parsnip (yes that is her name and not part of a recipe)





In all seriousness, this is like the cutest dog ever. I love her, she is so sweet and I have no regrets about having a dog and thanks to Lillian for introducing the two of us. P.S. Don't make fun of her name, I might just do bad things to you.

Another Job?

Some of you know, some don't but I started a new job today. This job is something that will become more of a permanent thing once my missionary term is up. The hours are decent and the pay is good, but I must admit working on back to back with the other is a bit tough. Doing this causes me to work 13-14 hour days on Monday and Tuesday. I did make it through my first day today, the schedule did not kill me, in fact if anything the new job (thus far) is so easy that it was all I could do to stay awake. Besides this new job there is not much going on.

Lunch with Jon was good today and Lillian joined us, I must admit I felt truly blessed to have my two best friends joining me for a meal, what great company. Wish I could do it all again tomorrow.

What A Blessing

I have to admit I really love Apex's 1 o'clock church service. At first I thought that is just too late to be having church, I mean is sleeping in really necessary on a Sunday? Whatever happened to the self discipline of going to bed early Saturday night so you can get up for church? So, Robin needed a ride to the 1 o'clock service and because she is awesome and my friend I have no problem taking her. I am interested in seeing what this 1 o'clock thing is about. The service was great, very much like a regular church service. There are some definite advantages though. I really didn't sleep in much, but it was nice to get up walk around eat breakfast and not be in a hurry. I took a shower at my leisure and was finally out the door I picked up lunch for Robin and I on my way to pick her up. We ate in the van on the way, and I just really had an enjoyable day at Apex today.

I went to hear some of my Crosswalk students sing for a church in the evening, they were amazing as usual. I never knew Sean Stevens could sing, and let me tell you I was pleasantly surprised, make him sing you a song sometime. Well they also sang a southern gospel song, and I had to cover my mouth cause I was laughing so hard. I felt like I was sitting at a Gaither concert Justin leading and the rest of the group echoing, with an occasional harmonic "mmmm hmmmm" thrown in there for good measure. What fun.

Lastly today I get an unexpected phone call from my old buddy/roommate Jon Mitchell. He is in town and wanted to have lunch tomorrow. So, I will be having lunch with him and I went to Steak and Shake with him tonight just to get caught up on old times. I know I miss my old friends, the ones that move away, but I will tell you when that happens and they come back for a visit the fellowship is so fun. We can talk for hours just cause there is so much to get caught up on. I miss you Jon, but am thankful for nights like tonight.

Poll Results

I have posted a new poll as most of you can well see, so here are the results of the old poll

Go drive somewhere 38%
Dance a jig 23%
Nothing, haven't walked in 8 weeks why start now 15%
Go to Wal-Mart 8%
Walk in the park 8%
Buy new shoes 8%
Go to the mall 0%

Thanks to everyone for your opinions, looking forward to your responses on the new one

Day One

Today was a day full of walking and driving, it was my first full day to walk all on my own. I find that it is actually easier than I expected it to be. I kinda thought I would experience a "learn to walk again" kinda thing, but no it is fun and easy. There is some pain associated with walking thus far, it is not terrible but it is certainly there. I also took myself out to see "50 First Dates" I have to say it is an enjoyable movie, real fun and sad and sweet. Yay for going to a movie about dates by yourself.

I also realized something today, I am not certain that my friends understand how emotionally attached to them I am. I also realized that I am often a big stupid head and perhaps say things in haste and emotional distress that I totally mean but I think I could have handled them much better. I love my friends enough to tell them the truth, even if it is hard to hear. I think today though I acted like a child in a "you hurt me, so here I am gonna hurt you with the truth" kind of way. I know better and I know how to handle myself better, I hope that if something I said came across as insensitive and brash that I be given the chance to ask forgiveness for the way I conveyed those ideas. I love you, if nothing else know that.

So overall day one of walking was great in the physical sense, but today has been tough emotionally. That is more related to how I treat people and how they treat me than my actual foot and getting to walk. Tomorrow is another day full of self-dependence...yippee

What A Joyous Day

Today started like any other, wake up at 9 (I think), mope around a little. I finally got into the shower, cleaned up got dressed, and here is where it all changes. I had already decided to attempt to drive today, I was going to meander around my local area to see how it felt and if I couldn't do it call Lillian to come get me to take me to work. I get in and I have to take my boot off to drive cause the boot seriously limits foot movement. I was still going to hold off on walking cause I figured driving would require less force to be applied to my foot than walking.

Driving was awesome. I felt like I was home again, it did not take me long to realize that I was more than ready to drive. So, off I went, I rolled the windows down and cranked the stereo up, I was rolling once again in the pimped out Pontiac Montana. All the ladies were looking at this non-gay fella bumping in his phat mini-van. Anyway, I was off to work.

Work was fun, uneventful, and maybe a little more stressful than it needed to be, but I will talk to those people personally. All went well until the jello we made for Crosswalk would not solidify, and ball began to roll down hill. Crosswalk went so terribly that I needed to be down to help with some technical stuff. I had no plans of going down there, cause there are lots of steps to get to the bottom of this lecture hall, and stairs not give me anxiety attacks. Lillian was having trouble and she needed my help, and I was not about to let someone that has helped me so much just suffer when I could help. So, I crawl down the first set of stairs, I felt like I could walk them so I did, I walked down the second set of stairs, this is the first time I had done this since I broke my ankle. This was significant, anxiety attack and all.

Technical problems continued throughout the meeting, it was extremely frustrating. The final announcements were very entertaining, it is hard to describe to you the sometimes offensive sounds that came from the speakers, but I think it could be best summed up as the "Atari Announcements". Crosswalk is done for the night, and off to the Extra Mile at Chili's. Dinner was great, thanks Andy for picking up the tab. As things are wrapping up Lillian leans over to me and sticks out her tongue. She is making a concerned noise, I look and she is missing the ball to her tongue jewelry. This is a problem since the ring will fall out, if left unattended and no one wants that. I walk to get my walker, yes I said WALK. I am walking with my walker and I realize how much it is slowing me down, I just say screw it I am walking and march myself out to my van. I get Lillian in the van and we are off to find an open tattoo parlor.

Now back when I was young and cool, the tattoo parlors stayed open late. I guess these days they keep bankers hours as we passed several tattoo parlors that were already closed and it wasn't even 11 yet. Luckily we found one as her tongue was drying out from her holding it so long. That all said and done we head back to her car so she can return home. I drive myself home, walk to the door carrying my walker (let me tell you what a good feeling that is). The good news is not even over, no siree, I look on my bed and what is placed on my pillow but my tax return check. Hallelujah, thank you Jesus. What a blessed day.

To recap: I drove today, I walked today, I walked down stairs, and I got a large check in the mail, not to mention I got to help and be there for a friend who has done so much for me. God is so good.

OH MY WORD!!

So I get online tonight and immediately Ms. StephaNie sends me a message with a link in it. There is no way I can accurately describe what you are about to see, but it made me laugh so hard I almost peed my pants, so make a quick run to the bathroom or put on one of those adult diapers before opening this link. Behold "Small Women in Huge Underpants"

Funny Walker Story

I was at Wright State yesterday and was waiting for Lillian to come pick me up by the Student Union since I am still not able to walk long distances on my walker. I must have looked pretty pathetic cause a nice gentleman in a wheelchair stopped and asked if I needed help. Thanks to that gentleman for being concerned for my wellbeing, but boy it made me feel dumb that he thought I needed help just cause I was on a walker. Yay for Saturday and to be able to walk once again.

Hi!! ::waves::

I feel bad posting pictures of girls, but I think this girl is very attractive. Her name is Carla Gugino, she is on Karen Sisco, a pretty good show on USA. I also posted this photo to help rid myself of any rumors/thoughts going around that I might be gay. Thank you and Goodnight.

And I Will Take One Of Those...

For some random reason I have recently been on the hunt for new jewelry, namely a new ring. I bought the one I have now a year ago as an experiment to see if I could wear a ring and not lose it. I paid $20 for it so if I did indeed lose it I would not be out very little investment. Now having passed the experiment I am very interested in something a bit nicer than the stainless steel ring I have. In my search I came across titanium rings, I never knew they even made such things. Upon extensive searching I think I might have found the one I want, it is perhaps a bit more expensive than I really wanted but my goodness is it beautiful. Behold the object of my desire





Titanium ring with a silver inlay, yes I want it. Thank goodness I am a missionary and cannot afford such things, no telling what I might end up with, so thank you Jesus for making me but a poor humble missionary

Ahh...Mother's Day

We celebrated Mother's Day today, and I had at least what I believe to be a decent gift for my mother all planned out card and all. There is one part of this plan I had forgot to consider, a chaos factor if you will: ME.

I picked a card up earlier last week and really it is so funny, I would tell you more about it but that is the problem; I haven't given it to her yet. I left this card at my office it where it is nestled next to my monitor. I cannot drive yet and so I have no way to retrieve this card from my office until Monday. I explained all this and my mom seems ok with it.

Oh but I am not done yet doing my best to ruin Mother's Day. I go to Target Friday night to do my shopping for my mom. First off shopping is always lots of fun for me right now, see I get to use those little electric wheel chairs at the stores. I was warned this night that the battery my not last an extended visit to the store, but seeing as how my options are really quite limited I took it anyway. The scooter seemed to be running fine, my selection was made, I was making a last stop to get some razor blades and we were out of there and it happened. A complete shutdown on the part of the scooter. Being in these scooters is really not a lot of fun as it is, so being pushed around in one by your friends is even more humiliating. As Lillian and Robin were shopping a store clerk saw me broken down on the side of the aisle, and radioed for another scooter to be brought out. Oh what fun. We returned to the Auclairs to wrap and to watch a movie.

We ended up watching "The Last Samurai" which had very little appeal to me anyway, so I quickly fell asleep. I was not able to wrap the gift that night. In the morning Lillian is bringing me home and she, being the awesome friend she is, packs up all the stuff; bows, ribbon, and gift. Once again I strike, I totally forget to ask her to bring the wrapping paper. I feel like such a schmuck not only did I succeed in making Lillian feel bad for something that is NOT her fault but because I am a dunderhead my mom's gift went unwrapped. My apologies first to my mom for a gift that did not have proper attire, secondly to Lillian for making her feel bad about something that is not her fault. I hope you can forgive me.

Good News From The Doc

So I had my doctor's appointment this morning, and the wonderful Lillian came to pick me up. I was so anxious the night before I didn't get but about 4 hours sleep, it was the same feeling you get right before you go on a trip; I was so excited I could hardly stand it. Firstly I got an x-ray done and thanks to the super niceness of the x-ray technician he gave me a paper copy for FREE, that is a $10 value. And now for your viewing pleasure, the inside of my leg



I was expecting the doctor to tell me the large pin would be coming out either this week or next, but when he told me that it would be staying in for 12 weeks my heart sunk. It was my understanding that I would not be able to walk on it until the pin came out so I thought I would not be walking for another month. He then finished his statement and told me that I would be able to walk next Saturday, May 15th. This is exciting news more than anything I just want to walk. So that is my day at the doctor's office, soon Herbert will be no longer, and I will be a free roaming missionary once again.

I Am A Sicko

Ever wondered what kind of sick and twisted individual I am? Well click here to find out. I don't know why but I think this game is hilarious.

Today Is a New Day

I must admit I felt pretty good yesterday, maybe it is cause I had so many opportunities to go and worship God (3 church services is a bit much even for me). I was with good friends the whole time and every service was a bit different from the one before it, but each was enjoyable and worshipful at the same time. Is the cloud gone? It is hard to say. I just know that today has been just about as good as yesterday, a little more boring though. I had an most interesting conversation with someone I wouldn't have guessed I would have that type of conversation with, and I must say it was most enlightening and refreshing. Who knows it might have given me the swift kick in the pants I needed. I have always stood by this quote and maybe I have forgotten it at this time.

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude is more important than the facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company ... a church ... a home. The remarkable thing is, we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past ... we cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And, so it is with you ... We are in charge of our attitudes. -- Chuck Swindoll

Such great wisdom is shared there, and for many years I can say that I chose to have a great attitude everyday. I don't know what has changed and why I can't make that choice more often now. But thanks to one of my good friends and wonderful students in Crosswalk I will make a bigger effort to chose to not lose sight of the Cross in my decision on what kind of day I am going to have

Take Two Of These And Call Me In The Morning

So after a pretty horrible day yesterday, I prescribed for myself lots of sleep. I took my medicine and slept (or at least didn't get out of bed) for 16 hours. I can't say it made me feel any better; I still feel pretty rotten, and on top of that I feel guilty for being a party pooper last night. My apologies for acting that way and being so wrapped up in my own thoughts. I knew it was bad when I couldn't stop myself from crying a couple of times, I prayed it went unnoticed but not sure it did. Today hasn't been much different, except my tears were shed in my pillow instead of in front of friends. All these demons that are in my head are nothing new, but I think that compounded with my inability to have any independence have become a very large burden. Tomorrow is another day, Jesus is still on the thrown, and my place is still in heaven, you never know this cloud might lift tomorrow.

Umm...I'll Pick That Guy

Seems like everyone's life is moving full steam ahead but mine, I really feel left behind. I was the kid that always got picked last for all the stuff in gym class, that same feeling is coming back to me now. I feel like I am the last one left to live their life, everyone else is picked; younger, older, smarter, stronger, you name it. I am the eternal bench warmer, stuck in a rut, ready to die cause I see no end to this hell

And on another note....that feeling....it never gets easier....you just start losing hope