My Life on Medication

Well this starts my first week on my new medication, and I must say that I am much less depressed. I am pretty excited about it, but I must admit there is one drawback. This lack of depression, the happiness I am feeling now seems very fake. It is a most strange feeling, to feel good about your life and not really know why. I had a pretty rough weekend, but now even though these things remain unresolved, I have the same feelings about them but I am WAY less emotional. I guess really that is a good thing.

In diet news, today I went down another belt notch. I know this is not as significant as buy new pants smaller than the old ones, but it is just more proof that I am having continued success on this diet. Many thanks to the people I saw at church on Sunday and all the nice compliments about how I looked. It really does help spur me on, cause sticking with this diet at times is VERY hard.

That is all I have to report, and of course really that is a lot. I am no longer depressed, I am losing weight, and who knows what's next maybe my hair will start growing back on my head.

Not keeping this a secret

Ok it is official, I am depressed. I had a pretty rough weekend last week and I decided to visit the doctor at the prompting of a great friend. I never really thought of myself as having a sort of problem that needed professional attention, but after the horrible weekend I had I knew I needed to do something. I have battled with depression for MANY years, but it has been a LONG time since I have had an episode like this one. My doctor pointed to something that I had not given much thought before my appointment. While I was dealing with my depression in years past, I have always sought out food as a solution to my problem. Sugars and carbs that are in many comfort foods supply the brain with something that helps to suppress the depressed feeling. Since I am on this diet, and I hardly ever touch carbs or sweets now I no longer have fix I used to get to deal with how I was feeling. The doc says this happens to nearly 40% of people who are on a successful diets, who have dealt with depression in the past. The result, I started introducing my body to a pill that is going to help my brain suppress the terrible feelings I have had recently. I won't be feeling the effects of this drug for another couple of weeks, I must say though that I wish the stupid pill would kick in faster. The logical rational side of my brain is still intact and functioning, but it is the emotional side that has been running all willy-nilly and dominating my life and personality. I hope to keep you updated as to how this medication effects me and if it actually helps at all. Now on to other things....

Work isn't all that I thought it would crack up to be, kinda frustrating actually. The position I am being trained on there have not been many people trained on so when I make a mistake (and trust me I make many) they seem to be blown out of proportion and upset people more than you think it would. Now there is the threat of increasing our production which will mean even less of a life for me as I will most likely be spending many late nights at the factory working on these silly computers. Isn't being a grown-up grand?

I watched a movie tonight; Love Actually. I don't recommend this movie as there are some pretty dirty parts in it with no real reason as to why they are in there. But let me share this with you; NEVER watch a romantic movie of any sort when you are feeling the way I am described in a previous post and knowing what I know now, as mentioned above. The point of the movie was to show "Love" from many different perspectives. From a widower trying to move on after the death of his wife to man falling for his foreign house keeper. The part that I was able to relate to the most right now, was the poor fellow that had the crush he had on this woman revealed to her. What a horrifying thought, I have nightmares about the thoughts of my mind and feelings of my heart being exposed to the people I think are amazing and truly lovable. Those are things I will take to my grave. I have shared such things with people in the past and the results were nothing less than catastrophic. Which is why I am the emotional hermit I am today, so many broken hearts I am pained just thinking about it.

Ok...that is MORE than enough for anyone.....off to bed early for me....I know I am such a loser

Some exciting news

I have good news for you, well at least news I am excited about. For the first time in as long as I can remember I bought clothes in a smaller size yesterday. Really my mom bought them for me cause she hated the way the old clothes looked on me. Now really buying smaller clothes may not be a big deal to all you people out there but for me it is significant. I actually have gone down two sizes (that's four less inches of zestybear). With my new clothes the weight loss is much more noticeable. I am excited that this diet is working for me in visible ways.

There was something else I wanted to post about but I have completely forgotten what it was, so when I remember what it is I will be sure to pass that info along to you.

Oh and I bought a new color printer for my computer the Canon i960



I totally love it, and I HIGHLY recommend it for people who have digital cameras and like to print out their pictures, the quality is AMAZING. So that is my new toy, please feel free to comment.

An old topic revisited...again

Every so often this feeling just hits me. This feeling that I am just so alone, and that my future holds nothing different. Is it so wrong to want to find another person you are perfectly matched for and want to spend the rest of your life with? Granted I realize that if it occupied my every thought that would be dangerous and unhealthy, but lucky me I am far too busy for such thoughts to enter my head on such a regular basis. Since I have this long weekend off and more free time than I have had in recent memory these little thoughts and the related sadness have crept back into my noggin. I just want to find the one person I can spend the rest of my life with. I also realize that many of the people who read this are much younger than I, are in relationships, or even married, I say this cause people tend to get on my back about writing about topics like this and I just don't think my position is fully understood. I have not had a girlfriend in 5 years, I have not been on a date in 4 years, and I really cannot remember the last time a girl showed ANY interest in me. If I was 21 and was talking like this it would be a totally different story, but the fact is I am almost 30 and cannot even imagine what it is like to have a girl me anymore, the memory is just that far removed. I do know that I miss it, I forget what it feels like but I know I want to feel it again. Life is in a repetitive pattern right now, and I don't know if I see any sign of relief to come any time soon. Maybe that is part of my fear, that I have already experienced life and everything now is just a repeat of a day before it, and this is one thing I can think of that would change all that and make every day new and exciting. Having the adventure of discovering someone new, how to make them happy, talking about dreams and how you can achieve them together, and holding one another with a simple contentment in your heart. Oh well, guess that is enough of my pathetic life for now. Besides these unshakable thoughts I have really had a good weekend, I guess you appreciate them more when you have to work 50+ hours in a week.

About this diet

By popular request by my friend Eric I am going to tell more about my experience with this diet. Phase 1 of the South Beach Diet is the most intense where you cut nearly all fats, carbs and sugars from what you eat for 2 weeks. This no small task to be honest. This means lots of chicken, turkey and vegetables. This diet says that you can expect to lose 8-14 pounds in these 2 weeks, I must say I was very skeptical of this promise. I am happy to report though that I have lost at least that much; enough that people at work are noticing and I am noticing as well. This diet was is tough and requires that I cook LOTS. Now I am getting ready to enter Phase 2 where I get to reintroduce carbs and some fats back into my eating habits. In this phase I hope to lose like the book says 1-2 pounds a week. So, any way my clothes are already fitting better, and I feel better. This is a diet I recommend for all those who have a strong will and are willing to endure the pain that comes with anything like this. I miss my potatoes.