God Bless this wonderful day, I have had a day like I have not had in a long time. I got up and volunteered with the Gospel Mission downtown this morning, I fought off the urge to stay in bed so that I could keep my commitment to God and my fellow volunteers. I really wanted to stay in bed (I had not gotten a full nights sleep), I was moments from calling to say I wouldn't make it when I was just compelled to get up and get ready. I am SOO glad I did. We had a wonderful and productive time at the mission this morning. We helped to sort food and serve the afternoon meal. I was truly blessed and felt like I was a productive part of a team again.

I drove home after dropping everyone off, intending on getting a shower and finding something to do. I got home and one of the girls I live with was watching Mighty Ducks 2 on Disney and so I sat down and watched it with her, followed by an episode of Duck Dodgers (what an awesome cartoon). I was nice to enjoy the company of the kids, cause I know they like having me around. And they like me not cause I can do something special or because I am in charge or because I do things for them, they just like me for me. I have to say it is refreshing, maybe it is only cause I have a twisted view of my friendships. I am totally willing to take the blame on this one. Either way I really like the Henderson kids, and am glad they like having me around.

I am at the office now, and only cause I wanted to check my e-mail, and to top off a blessed day I didn't even have any mean e-mail...yippee. Speaking of the office, my funny story from yesterday. I am sitting at my desk with my window shade up so I can enjoy some natural light in the office, when out of the corner of my eye I see someone. I look over and it is a mother holding her 7 year old(guessing) by the shoulders next to the tree. I look longer and I notice while she is holding him, he is....ahem...relieving himself on the tree. Now understand this, this tree is not far off in some distance field, we are talking 20 feet from my window, if I would have looked hard enough I could have told you what color his eyes were. And if this is not enough this tree about 30 feet from a busy street. Perhaps if this had been miles from the nearest bathroom I would understand, but across the street from the office is a gas station. It was horrible, that is all I can describe it to you as, and I pray that it does not happen again.

Anyway, to restate what I have already said, this has been a wonderful day. Maybe this is a start of a new trend, God please let it be so. Thank you to all of my friends for he encouragement they have sent me and the prayers they have lifted up on my behalf. I love you all.

I saw the movie last night, The Passion of the Christ. It was everything I feared it would be, graphic, painful to watch, sad, convicting, eye opening, and vivid. I found myself in a position that I don't know that I have ever been in, I don't know that I have ever visually seen pictures of someone being beaten like that. I guess I never fully realized what happened when he was beaten, and know all the torture devices they used and knew what they were capable of, but I have never seen them in action. For me it was without doubt the worst sequence of the movie, cause I think it is the one that I least visualize in my head. It is so hard to watch and my emotion was so raw that I nearly vomited on the poor guys lap in front of me. Honestly it was more than I could handle, but I think it is important for me know exactly what my sin did to the only blameless man ever to have lived. It was my sin that held him on the cross, it was my sin that caused him to be beaten. That was all I could think of when I watched that movie "This is all because I am a stupid unstoppable sinner", and because God loves me enough to justify me though His Son. My thoughts cannot be expressed accurately so just know this movie is something for every Christian to behold, it will change your view of your salvation and how costly it is.

Why does my mom always try and call me at the weirdest hours? This morning I get a wakeup call from my mom at 8:30 and for those of you that don't know that is super early for me. So I let the voicemail get it, and what could possibly be so important that she would call me at 8:30 you may ask. Well as it turns out there is a birthday party this Saturday, it is for my mom's boyfriend's mother. I could not see any way why this is so important. I did not return her call, so she calls me again at 9 and 9:30. I finally decide to get up at 9:30 since it seemed like I was not going to be able to sleep anyway. I get to work and there are e-mails about this party, gees. Here is my question: I have no desire to go to this woman's party; is this normal? I mean she could not be any more removed from me, in my mind she is just a random person. Even if my mom and her boyfriend get married she WON'T be my step-grandmother, and I don't see any reason she would be. I am sure she is a nice woman, I did meet her at my mom's birthday party, but I don't know why I should go to her birthday party. Just seems dumb. So as of right now...I am not going.

In other news, yesterday, I was not feeling so well as it was, and my supervisor's boss, Don, forgot my name when leading a tour of some women through the office. It is good to know I have made an impact on the people around me. So then enters the thought why do I bother with all this, is it that important. Am I important to cause of Christ, or am I just taking up space that could be filled by someone who is better qualified and could make an impact.

Ok....so I don't know why I feel such a crazy need to post all kinds of things today, but oh well such is the stuff of boredom.

I am reading a new book Brothers, We Are NOT Professionals by John Piper. I have loved the book thus far and I have just finished reading a few more chapters in it. One in particular brought me under conviction. The chapter is on prayer, and while I do pray, I don't feel I pray as often and for the things God would want me to pray for and for not nearly as long as God would want me to pray. This chapter really called me out on the carpet on this one. I will give you a few quotes that have touched/ inspired me. "Prayer is coupling of primary and secondary causes. It is the splicing of our limp wire to the lightening bolt of heaven" Piper.

I feel like I allow myself to stay up too late at night getting my fix of some TV show I don't care about, and thus I sleep in, in the morning and have to rush out so I am not TOO late for work. I don't give myself enough time to get the work of God done before I get too busy to get it done.
"This perpetual hurry of business and company ruins me in soul if not in body. More solitude and earlier hours! I suspect I have been allotting habitually too little time to religious exercises, as private devotion and religious meditation, Scripture-reading, etc. Hence I am lean and cold and hard. I had better allot two hours or an hour and half daily. I have been keeping too late hours, and hence have had but a hurried half-hour in the morning to myself. Surely the experience of all good men confirms the proposition that without a due measure of private devotion the soul will grow lean. But all may be done through prayer-almighty prayer, I am ready to say- and why not? For that it is almighty is only through the gracious ordination of the God of loving truth. On then, pray, pray, pray!" William Wilberforce

I guess this is also an apology that I have not been praying for my fellow brothers and sister in Christ like I should, and that I have not been giving proper time to praying for my friends and family that are lost. I feel like I have failed many, in not devoting enough time to others, I hope that you can forgive me. Failure seems to be the word of the day for me....oh what fun

Ok so I am bored sitting here at work, with a less than normal amount of work. After talking to one of my friends who stirred up lots of thoughts in my depressed head, I thought I would post again. Right now for some reason I am feeling as if I have missed my chance. When you ask what chance is that I would have to respond, my chance to find that special girl. As of late I have felt this more and more. I feel like I had a wonderful girlfriend, and God had brought us together. I feel like I was the one who screwed it up (it is part of why I feel like a failure). I really loved her, but since I am an idiot and don't know how to treat women correctly I lost my chance at a future with a girl. I realize how stupid it probably sounds, but you have to understand I have not dated much in my many years. She was my first and only real relationship with a girl I have ever had. I thought at the time it was just the icebreaker and that I would have a much easier time relating with girls after that. I was wrong. Since then, I have only been out with 2 other girls (only one date a piece) and there are no prospects in my general vicinity as of right now. So I feel like I was not created to live a life of singleness, but through my own stupidity and sin it is the life I have been left with. Again I know it sounds stupid and am sure this is full of theological problems, but this is not a theological discussion it is a discussion on how I feel.

so yea for feeling even more like a failure in a day

The experiment continues....and I am not sure why. I am beginning to realize that my life is super boring. On a daily basis not a single thing exciting happens. I got 11 e-mails in my box this morning and I was excited, this is how bad it is. I signed up to be a language partner for some international students at Wright State university. I got word today that I will be a language partner to a small group of students. For some reason most people just get the one on one experience, but I am the lucky one in that I get to have my own little group. I am excited in one sense that I look forward to getting to know them. Yet, nervous in another as to being overwhelmed by so many people. I pray for the best in this situation.

There are lots of thoughts that run through my brain on any given day. I can only post from work so it kinda limits what I can post when I want to. Most of the time when I am at work my mind is a total blank focused as much as possible on the task at hand. When I am Belgian the worst and the most things are happening to me is when I am away from the office. So I am sure my posts seem very boring. I am feeling friendless right now. I know I have a couple of friends but I fear that when they leave I will be without anyone. I know I am capable of making friends there just seems to be a lack of people my age that want to do anything. Many are married and content to be at home with their spouse, and still others would rather not be around people at all. This puts a person who is very extroverted in a tough spot. I want to be around people, even if it is to do nothing but sit and talk, watch a movie, or just to stare off into space. It just seems like the people I know are so anti-social. I guess it is not really a problem, just makes life seem boring.

There are so many things I could put here, but I feel so uncomfortable doing it. Maybe someday, when I am not feeling like such a failure

I have returned from the conference in Louisville. I am pretty sure it was an excellent conference, but see I stayed up real late Friday night after the sessions and well I paid the price on Saturday. I must say that Dr. Mohler (president of the seminary) is incredibly intelligent, but I don't think he has the ability to give a simple straight forward answer. While I was impressed with him, I would have to say I came away from the conference with the most knowledge gained from Dr. Russel Moore. His session was funny, intelligent, insightful, eye opening, and all the things I expected this conference to be. I only wish we would have gotten to hear more from him. I got to see some of my old close friends from Boyce College, it was so sweet to see them again. I miss the closeness I had to those guys, and the sense of community we had there, oh well time to move on.

Now as to the earlier reference about staying up too late on Friday night, let me tell you it was just a wonderful experience. I wanted my friends to get some fried pickles from local hot spot, but by the time we got there it was closed. I don't know when it became ok to talk about Aunt Flo around boys, but this is where the conversation turned bad. Now in my family it was not a big deal and I am more familiar than I care to admit with the whole topic, but my goodness NEVER should there be an hour conversation about it. It was a dark spot on my life and poor Ryan, I fear will never be the same. We decided to do a quick shopping stop and then go on to Steak and Shake for a late night snack. As we are pulling into the parking lot, I mention that I also know where a Denny's is at. Robin had never expensive Denny's, let alone at night. Myself, being of checkered past, have had many Denny's experiences and shared my funny stories as well did Lillian. We wanted Ryan and Robin to experience Denny's nightlife. We got there, and just from outside appearances I could tell this was going to be a good time. It was a rather rundown place, and I don't think there was a car in the parking lot newer than 1988. Ryan and Robin did not have any funny stories to share with us, and this is where the fun began. I decided to start making up scenarios that involved Robin. Really this would be no fun except that Robin reacts just about as well as anyone I have ever seen. As the scenario gets bolder and more vivid Robin just keeps turning deeper shades of red. I would go into more detail but I fear my life would come to a frightening and abrupt end. I say this cause I can already feel the bruises forming deep beneath my skin from the onslaught of Robin the Merciless, who pinches harder than anyone should be able to.

Back to normal work tomorrow, but I must say it was fantastic to be out of Dayton even if for only 24 hours

Well I guess it is only fitting that I update you on how my blog experiment is going. I don't hate it, but I am still wondering if it is the best thing for me. I am still willing to try so here is what I have for now. I know I had such a long post last time, and for many people that had not talked to me in a while it was quite a bit to take in and in some cases a surprise. It makes me sad that I have lost touch with some friends that much and while and that I keep so much inside. I am also realizing now the dangers of letting penned up emotions out. For me, when emotions are suppressed I don't really have to deal with them. I know they are there but I never really work through them to any kind of resolution, so now having more of this out in the open I feel like I am having to deal with it more. I have yet to decide if this is good or not. I guess in the back of my mind I know it is, but still on the surface it nothing but horrible.

Enough about that, this weekend I am going to Louisville, KY. If you don't know I spent 2 years in the 'Ville, and I really loved it there. I have not visited there in almost a year, I am so excited about seeing old friends and being in a place I know I am loved. I am going there to attend a conference lead by Southern Seminary. I am very excited about what God can do here at this conference. I feel that if I go in with the right attitude I will come out better equipped to minister to God's people.

Life sometimes gets boring around here there are not many people my age for me to hang out with, who are not married and have kids. I am really looking forward to getting out of town, away from here (even if it is only for a day). Thank God, for mini-vacations.

I will let you know how the conference went when I get back

I have to be honest I am not sure this thing will work out for me, but I have been looking for something that will allow me to get all that is in me out. I am not a writer, I don't like to journal, and I can imagine many times if this gets to become a regular thing what I write will not make sense. See in my strange mind there is more than a touch of chaos. It is not uncommon for me to be talking about something and have it make no sense to anyone else around me, all the while I feel like I am speaking nothing but clear words. I have trouble focusing on one thought for more than just a few minutes, and so if I seem like I am jumping around on topics it is because I am. As of right now I am not going to make any attempts to make this blog look like anything more than the experiment that it is, so no comments on how stupid it looks. So, here goes, my first dive into a blog, and into one of my greatest fears that when people get to know me they will not like me. (BEWARE: After I finished I realized how long this thing is....I am sorry it is so long)

The last few months, say December through the present, I have felt terrible. Depression I thought God had rid me of years ago come rushing back in new and stronger ways. Christmas time has always been difficult me, I tend to feel more alone then. When I say alone I more or less talking about the lack of any romantic relationships in my life. I don't know why December is so tough for me, but it always has and I imagine it will continue to be. Less than one month prior, I had been kicked out of my mother's house. Now as a missionary this is significant; this is the place I reside because I cannot afford to live anywhere else, not to mention this is my mother. The same mother that always told me "It is not your friends that you can count on, it is only your family". I felt so alone, here I am in December feeling like not only are there no girls that like me, but the love my mother has for me has changed (although it felt like it was gone). I had no where to live, I stayed on a couple of gracious people's couches every night, never in my life have I felt like such a mooch, like I could not take care of myself.

Soon after Christmas came a day I had been dreading for some time....My Father's birthday. I don't know who knows what, so here is another little recap for you. My father died March 10th 2003. This was an unexpected, left field kind of thing. My dad was in the best health of his life, and yet for some reason God still saw it fit to call him home that day (more on this some other day). I missed my dad that January 1st, I missed him more that day than I had since his death. I cried so hard for so long, it was so not a good day for me. Missing my dad only compounded the problem I was having of feeling alone. He and I were very close, I miss him dearly still and do not ever think that will go away.

Soon after that I was placed in a home that would allow me to stay in an extra room. The Henderson's are really great. They have been so welcoming and warm towards me, they really do treat me well. I must say January wasn't that bad of a month at all, all the heartache, loneliness, and sadness seemed to leave. I soon found out this was not the case it had only gone dormant. The week before Valnetine's Day my mom tells me my dad's headstone was finally up and ready. I went the next day to see it. I wish I could describe it to you it is soo beautiful. I cried the moment I saw it, cause I knew he loved it and would have picked out the same thing for himself if given the chance. I would love to take anyone who would like to see it out there and to pay respects to my father, that is if you don't mind seeing a grown man cry.

I guess the very next day mom informs me that there is big news that she needs to tell me face to face, it is not the kind of news for an e-mail or a phone call. I tell her that I am too busy to just take off up there so she can tell me something. She decides to tell me over IM since I cannot make it. Her new boyfriend and her are talking about marriage. This was not as big of a shocker as it might seem at first, I was almost anticipating it happening. I would have never guessed it was going to be this soon (my daddy has not been gone a year yet). This also hit me in a way I was not prepared for; my mom who has not been single a year is looking at getting married again. While I, who have been single for 99% of his life is still that way with NO hope of it changing, in my current state it was not what I needed. I felt and feel like I am alone, and if that was not enough all of the hope has been sucked out of me. I grow older and nothing changes, well I guess I should not say nothing, I feel like I have grown closer to God and that He continues the process of sanctification in me. I am surprised I am even feeling like this, I am such an extrovert that I cannot help but talk to people. Yet somehow amidst all the people who I talk to I feel like I have no one. My job as a missionary is to encourage and to reach out, yet I feel like I need some encouragement sometimes too. There just seems to be a lack of encouragement for those who are the encouragers. I don't want to leave this out either, and while I feel so alone at this time; there has been one amazing blessing to me. My co-laborer in Christ, my best friend, my partner in crime, Lillian, has been an unwavering help and support to me in this time. I don't know that I could have asked for anyone to be a better friend than her, while I must admit I would have never expected my best friend to be her, she makes every day at least tolerable, and most spectacular.

Wow....I never intentioned to get this long winded, there has been a lot I have kept all caged up inside. Depending on how I feel after I have written this I will see if I will ever do it again, or perhaps I will try it again a few times before I give up on it altogether. This is my current status, lonely and without hope, updates to come. I pray many more uplifting than this one....