I have to be honest I am not sure this thing will work out for me, but I have been looking for something that will allow me to get all that is in me out. I am not a writer, I don't like to journal, and I can imagine many times if this gets to become a regular thing what I write will not make sense. See in my strange mind there is more than a touch of chaos. It is not uncommon for me to be talking about something and have it make no sense to anyone else around me, all the while I feel like I am speaking nothing but clear words. I have trouble focusing on one thought for more than just a few minutes, and so if I seem like I am jumping around on topics it is because I am. As of right now I am not going to make any attempts to make this blog look like anything more than the experiment that it is, so no comments on how stupid it looks. So, here goes, my first dive into a blog, and into one of my greatest fears that when people get to know me they will not like me. (BEWARE: After I finished I realized how long this thing is....I am sorry it is so long)
The last few months, say December through the present, I have felt terrible. Depression I thought God had rid me of years ago come rushing back in new and stronger ways. Christmas time has always been difficult me, I tend to feel more alone then. When I say alone I more or less talking about the lack of any romantic relationships in my life. I don't know why December is so tough for me, but it always has and I imagine it will continue to be. Less than one month prior, I had been kicked out of my mother's house. Now as a missionary this is significant; this is the place I reside because I cannot afford to live anywhere else, not to mention this is my mother. The same mother that always told me "It is not your friends that you can count on, it is only your family". I felt so alone, here I am in December feeling like not only are there no girls that like me, but the love my mother has for me has changed (although it felt like it was gone). I had no where to live, I stayed on a couple of gracious people's couches every night, never in my life have I felt like such a mooch, like I could not take care of myself.
Soon after Christmas came a day I had been dreading for some time....My Father's birthday. I don't know who knows what, so here is another little recap for you. My father died March 10th 2003. This was an unexpected, left field kind of thing. My dad was in the best health of his life, and yet for some reason God still saw it fit to call him home that day (more on this some other day). I missed my dad that January 1st, I missed him more that day than I had since his death. I cried so hard for so long, it was so not a good day for me. Missing my dad only compounded the problem I was having of feeling alone. He and I were very close, I miss him dearly still and do not ever think that will go away.
Soon after that I was placed in a home that would allow me to stay in an extra room. The Henderson's are really great. They have been so welcoming and warm towards me, they really do treat me well. I must say January wasn't that bad of a month at all, all the heartache, loneliness, and sadness seemed to leave. I soon found out this was not the case it had only gone dormant. The week before Valnetine's Day my mom tells me my dad's headstone was finally up and ready. I went the next day to see it. I wish I could describe it to you it is soo beautiful. I cried the moment I saw it, cause I knew he loved it and would have picked out the same thing for himself if given the chance. I would love to take anyone who would like to see it out there and to pay respects to my father, that is if you don't mind seeing a grown man cry.
I guess the very next day mom informs me that there is big news that she needs to tell me face to face, it is not the kind of news for an e-mail or a phone call. I tell her that I am too busy to just take off up there so she can tell me something. She decides to tell me over IM since I cannot make it. Her new boyfriend and her are talking about marriage. This was not as big of a shocker as it might seem at first, I was almost anticipating it happening. I would have never guessed it was going to be this soon (my daddy has not been gone a year yet). This also hit me in a way I was not prepared for; my mom who has not been single a year is looking at getting married again. While I, who have been single for 99% of his life is still that way with NO hope of it changing, in my current state it was not what I needed. I felt and feel like I am alone, and if that was not enough all of the hope has been sucked out of me. I grow older and nothing changes, well I guess I should not say nothing, I feel like I have grown closer to God and that He continues the process of sanctification in me. I am surprised I am even feeling like this, I am such an extrovert that I cannot help but talk to people. Yet somehow amidst all the people who I talk to I feel like I have no one. My job as a missionary is to encourage and to reach out, yet I feel like I need some encouragement sometimes too. There just seems to be a lack of encouragement for those who are the encouragers. I don't want to leave this out either, and while I feel so alone at this time; there has been one amazing blessing to me. My co-laborer in Christ, my best friend, my partner in crime, Lillian, has been an unwavering help and support to me in this time. I don't know that I could have asked for anyone to be a better friend than her, while I must admit I would have never expected my best friend to be her, she makes every day at least tolerable, and most spectacular.
Wow....I never intentioned to get this long winded, there has been a lot I have kept all caged up inside. Depending on how I feel after I have written this I will see if I will ever do it again, or perhaps I will try it again a few times before I give up on it altogether. This is my current status, lonely and without hope, updates to come. I pray many more uplifting than this one....
The last few months, say December through the present, I have felt terrible. Depression I thought God had rid me of years ago come rushing back in new and stronger ways. Christmas time has always been difficult me, I tend to feel more alone then. When I say alone I more or less talking about the lack of any romantic relationships in my life. I don't know why December is so tough for me, but it always has and I imagine it will continue to be. Less than one month prior, I had been kicked out of my mother's house. Now as a missionary this is significant; this is the place I reside because I cannot afford to live anywhere else, not to mention this is my mother. The same mother that always told me "It is not your friends that you can count on, it is only your family". I felt so alone, here I am in December feeling like not only are there no girls that like me, but the love my mother has for me has changed (although it felt like it was gone). I had no where to live, I stayed on a couple of gracious people's couches every night, never in my life have I felt like such a mooch, like I could not take care of myself.
Soon after Christmas came a day I had been dreading for some time....My Father's birthday. I don't know who knows what, so here is another little recap for you. My father died March 10th 2003. This was an unexpected, left field kind of thing. My dad was in the best health of his life, and yet for some reason God still saw it fit to call him home that day (more on this some other day). I missed my dad that January 1st, I missed him more that day than I had since his death. I cried so hard for so long, it was so not a good day for me. Missing my dad only compounded the problem I was having of feeling alone. He and I were very close, I miss him dearly still and do not ever think that will go away.
Soon after that I was placed in a home that would allow me to stay in an extra room. The Henderson's are really great. They have been so welcoming and warm towards me, they really do treat me well. I must say January wasn't that bad of a month at all, all the heartache, loneliness, and sadness seemed to leave. I soon found out this was not the case it had only gone dormant. The week before Valnetine's Day my mom tells me my dad's headstone was finally up and ready. I went the next day to see it. I wish I could describe it to you it is soo beautiful. I cried the moment I saw it, cause I knew he loved it and would have picked out the same thing for himself if given the chance. I would love to take anyone who would like to see it out there and to pay respects to my father, that is if you don't mind seeing a grown man cry.
I guess the very next day mom informs me that there is big news that she needs to tell me face to face, it is not the kind of news for an e-mail or a phone call. I tell her that I am too busy to just take off up there so she can tell me something. She decides to tell me over IM since I cannot make it. Her new boyfriend and her are talking about marriage. This was not as big of a shocker as it might seem at first, I was almost anticipating it happening. I would have never guessed it was going to be this soon (my daddy has not been gone a year yet). This also hit me in a way I was not prepared for; my mom who has not been single a year is looking at getting married again. While I, who have been single for 99% of his life is still that way with NO hope of it changing, in my current state it was not what I needed. I felt and feel like I am alone, and if that was not enough all of the hope has been sucked out of me. I grow older and nothing changes, well I guess I should not say nothing, I feel like I have grown closer to God and that He continues the process of sanctification in me. I am surprised I am even feeling like this, I am such an extrovert that I cannot help but talk to people. Yet somehow amidst all the people who I talk to I feel like I have no one. My job as a missionary is to encourage and to reach out, yet I feel like I need some encouragement sometimes too. There just seems to be a lack of encouragement for those who are the encouragers. I don't want to leave this out either, and while I feel so alone at this time; there has been one amazing blessing to me. My co-laborer in Christ, my best friend, my partner in crime, Lillian, has been an unwavering help and support to me in this time. I don't know that I could have asked for anyone to be a better friend than her, while I must admit I would have never expected my best friend to be her, she makes every day at least tolerable, and most spectacular.
Wow....I never intentioned to get this long winded, there has been a lot I have kept all caged up inside. Depending on how I feel after I have written this I will see if I will ever do it again, or perhaps I will try it again a few times before I give up on it altogether. This is my current status, lonely and without hope, updates to come. I pray many more uplifting than this one....
posted by Jimmy at 8:38 PM
<< Home